To re-invent myself what would I do?


I think about this often. Very very often. I think I would go back to the day when my Mom got pregnant with me and prevent it from happening. Erase me from the entire world. I think that would be the biggest re-invention of all time. Not having to have grown up hearing constantly that I should not have been born, not being abused, not having to fight so hard for anything I ever wanted, not having to live in constant pain, not having ruined husbands and kids lives. I think that would be a great re-invention. Think of the better things that would have happened without me around. My Mom's life would have been so much easier without an after the fact baby, my sisters would have had it much easier without me, I wouldn't have drug my husband from achieving his dreams cause I was hurt, I wouldn't have kids that hate their mother. I think that would be it. The re-invention that erases me from life.

Comments

Nancyroo said…
Oh, but think: your kids wouldn't be here, and look at how precious they are.
5:02 PM
Broken Beth said…
I too was told that I should never have been born and I should just kill myself, which led to me trying to erase myself, more than once. I still wish I hadn't been born too.......
10:44 PM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

April 19 is a rough day

Image
20 years ago today I miscarried a baby. I can imagine myself with a 20 year old running around. Maybe even a grandma, that is a rough thought. For years when I could not conceive I wondered if I was being punished for miscarrying my first. I was young, got pregnant in college, and was sick all the time. I had morning sickness 24 hours a day every single day, I lost a lot of weight. I was alone and I was scared. I went to bed one night feeling very ill, I woke up two days later in the hospital. I had hemarraged and been uncousious, and almost died. I miscarried in my fifth month. When I missed college some friends tried to reach me and couldn't so called my ex and he had the landlord let him in. It saved my life. I have always felt so guilty that I was just that little bit relieved that it had happened. I was so young, and on my own, and did not want a child raised the way that I had been raised. Feelings just all over the place. It hit me like a ton of bricks again w
Read more

Well I made it and I survived it

Image
I am finally 40. Entering the prime of my life. I think it is all how you look at things. So if I look positive it will be postitive. This is the decade that is going to be about me. I had an adult decade on education, I had an adult decade on family, now I want one on me. Thanks Jenni for calling last night, I miss you and you are welcome to come back to Alberta and visit any time. I got the cutest birday card from Poncho with her original photography on it of a koala, I love it. I feel spoiled and loved and it is nice to feel that way. I got a cake sent to me at work yesterday, a balloon arrangement with a teddy bear and chocolates and some basic grey paper. A bunch of girls from SJ went together and organized it all. I feel so honoured to be counted as one of their friends. I got to talk to geminigirl (Carrie) yesterday as well, she is one of the sweetest people I know. Thanks for calling.
Read more

Back to school

Image
DD first day of grade three is today. She is very excited to be going back, and hoping she gets her dream teacher. There was a fiasco last year at the start of school and DD started with her dream teacher and then they moved her twice more and she ended up with a split teacher room. This year she hopes she gets Mrs. K, for good. I hope the school has their act together this year. She didn't want me to drive her, she didn't want me to follow the school bus, she wanted to do it on her own just like last year. She was happy to have mom wait at the bus stop with her though.
Read more