Wednesday, June 15, 2016

The Canadian Memorial Cup

May 2016

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

The morning after

"Have you ever woken up one morning, only to realize that your whole world was completely different than it was the day before? I have, and it was scary.

Monday, December 14, 2015

Thing 3 ..... Gets me again.

After my SCA I couldn't remember the initials ICD let alone implantable Cardioverter defibrillator. Could not do it. While referring to it, it became that THING, the Thingy, you know the Thing. Then it needed removed. Months later I was going back under for a new fangled subcutaneous one. It was to be called a Thing 2. But upon waking up I'm told, Thing 2, died a quick death, and therefore Thing 3 was in me.

Thing, Thing 2, and Thing 3.

Altogether have caused untold pain in my life. Four surgeries in total. Implant, Explant, Debridement, and Implant.

The initial implant site under my left collarbone can hurt like hell. It's a strong deep ache at times.

The actual device sitting along my left ribs though causes PAIN. Red hot fiery pain. Without being careful, bending over can feel like the device is tearing it's way out of me. Something simple like tie-ing shoes, is agony. Lower cupboards, the fridge, items off floor can cause me to see stars the pain is so severe. Not sure why Thing 3 does this. I'm told it's nerve damage. The implant of Thing 2, then quick explant, and implant of Thing 3 within hours did damage. I'm not liking it at all.

Thursday, December 10, 2015

Outside the comfort zone

My son, my little boy, not so little any more actually, did something these past four months so far outside his comfort zone that I'm not sure I could be any prouder of him ever.
The Aspergers kid, the autistic one, you know, "that" kid. The one no one is friends with, the one that is always left out, the one that always feels alone. Yeah, him.
As an option in the first term of Grade 7 he was stuck in both Art, a disaster waiting to happen, and Drama, a what were they thinking choice.
Art, the place where you get dirty, you touch texture things, stuff gets under your nails, stuff is on you after washing. The absolute worst place a sensory kid could be. He touched the clay, he moulded the clay, he had an idea in his mind and he brought it to life. He shaped, formed, and fired a Tar Pit Monster. Then he painted and glazed it. I get this call will you come pick me up? He didn't want it broken on the bus. It's awesome.
Drama, the kid that can't stand even putting up his hand in class because it draws attention to him. He was the star of the show. He rocked it. As Adam in Robert Munsch's Down the Drain. He took it, he owned it, he was awesome.
Pride, total pride in my kid overcoming and triumphing,

Thursday, December 03, 2015

fear, anxiety, my absolute terror

My fear, anxiety, my absolute terror of needles, dentists, blood had me hyperventilating and crying in the chair at the dentist before I even saw The dentist. I felt like a complete baby yet had no control over any of it. Is this my new normall?
I received  the lecture on trying to save the tooth with a root canal and crown but no guarantees. Without that tooth I have nothing on that side to chew with or hold my top plates in place. This in turn will trigger my TMJ. 
Me the person that is phobic about proper oral hygiene and freaks out at bad teeth, has this issue and three other cavities. I'm heartbroken, scared and just horrified. Simple $$$ dictates it be pulled.
The dentist very sneakily snuck in the first needle and it hurt. It was like a huge electrical shock against my tongue and cheek. 
The tooth disintegrated under the tool, and needed to be drilled out. It was terrible.  It froze well but lots of pressure.

How do I make the change so the rest of my life is not filled with fear and anxiety? How? 

Saturday, November 28, 2015

CMA to CPA

I had a massive breakdown crying spree on the stupidity of higher education a couple weeks ago.

I received a beautiful brand new accounting certificate in the mail.  During the summer all Canadian accounting organizations merged into one. I went from being a CMA to being a CPA.

EXCEPT

I'm on permanent disability, never to work in accounting again, mailed the new certificate in error during the merging of data bases.

I worked so very hard to get an education, to ensure it was in a field that would always exist, to ensure I'd never be on the poor side of poverty again. 

The uncertainty of life is hard. 

Thursday, November 12, 2015

Endings:

If spring is seen as a new beginning is fall seen as an ending? The dormant browns blanketing our scenery would seem to think so. There I'd nothing to indicate any hope ahead, just more bleakness.