Oscarisms

1) the day I died.......no not that day cause I lived 2) the day my genetic tests said I had long qt.  that day rocked my world. 3) the day as a Mommy that you are told your child has long qt. So far in my life that has been the worst day ever.   It's a phrase you hear often.  People venting, people letting of steam.  Stomping their feet saying thesis the worst day ever.  But really the majority of those days are pretty dang good.  Sure there can be actual worse days for some people, but for me, for where I am at in my life, today was not a good day.  At all.

Austin is cuddled up next to me on the couch tonight.  Not sure if something prompted him or not but he says I sure wish I had a Grandpa. That is one thing about waiting later in life to have kids.   The grandparents just aren't able to do what younger ones can.   Myles Mom was 80 when I had Alexis and Austin was 10 years older than her.  My Mom was 30 when she had me and I was 33.  It makes for elderly grandparents. Then Austin says I'm sure glad I still have you Mom. Made my heart melt. But it brings to my mind the worry and issue of the kids if something happens to me, or worse if something happens to Myles.   We have no family that would be good for the kids.  It's a very scary proposition now that I'm diagnosed with a sudden death syndrome.   Throw in that the kids could have it, and future care is a huge issue. There are heavy heavy thoughts that I don't know where to take.

Last year on October 19, 2012 I was released from the hospital.   It was the ending to a four month long nightmare.   Or so I thought.   I was so weak I had to crawl up the stairs to my house on my hands and knees like a baby.   Weak was something I had never been.   I had just successfully waged a war with death.   How could I let any weakness into my life. I learned though that I could no longer do things on my own, I needed help.   I needed help physically, mentally, and personally. The next year was a precious year.   Experiencing so many firsts over again.   Relearning simple things, to trying to regain stamina. I started out in a wheelchair, moved on to a walker, took advantage of scooters, bought a pair of running shoes, and started walking.   A very slow drawn out process. Then there was the therapy.  I attended cognitive therapy, neuro-physical therapy, and cardiac rehab. I went to Calgary for S-ICD interrogations and to see my cardiologist EP.  Also for numerous genetic

Last year as I lay in my hospital bed angry at the world, Thanksgiving passed without any thankfulness.  I was angry.  Very angry.   It's weird how a year later, a year filled with clouds and fog, that I remember how angry I was. I was angry I was there in the hospital.  I was angry at the horrid hospital food. I was angry I had no control in anything that I called my life. I was angry if the sun shone, I was angry if the sun didn't shine.  I was just plain angry. I was angry at myself, I was angry at those around me.  I was mad.  How could I be the one that all that "stuff" was happening to?  How?  Just how? A year later the anger has somewhat abated. The rages that I often experience are somewhat passing. I have a little bit more control.  A little. The clouds and fog that shrouded my mind and vision lift a little each month.  A little. Yesterday the kids and I attended CPR and AED training.  On the Saturday of the long weekend.  I'm thankful I was here to be