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Showing posts from April, 2015

Flash back to blood draws

The needle sticker dudes attitudes killed me in hospital.  I had no veins, none at all.  Yet the needle stickers were "it's just a little prick". OMG.  No it isn't "just a little prick".  You will try three times. Then in ten minutes someone else will try three times then ten minutes after that someone else will try three times. Do that every single blood draw that was scheduled every three hours, day in and day out.  It's "NOT JUST A LITTLE PRICK). It's 72 little pricks ... 72.  And the sly comments  "oh if it was that bad you would have a Picc line".  "It's not really that bad".  I knew what needed to be done, where it needed to be done, and what it needed to be done with. But what did I know, I was JUST the patient. I couldn't have a Picc line due to infection. I blew out IVs and central lines. I had anesthesiologists come and try to find veins with ultrasounds. I had my feet used. It was traumat

What to do when you are breaking?

What does a person do when they are breaking? When there is nothing to look forward to? When there is nothing but pain? When there is nothing but anguish? When there is nothing but a deep black hole of nothingness? There truly isn't an explanation or understanding of depression until you are there. Every single time you've hit rock bottom and think you can't possibly go down any further and yet something happens to go even deeper. I was recently asked by something what I did with my time. I had to think about it. What time? The time I don't have because I put out one fire after another? The time that's spent just surviving rather than living? Speaking with some people recently about the subject of suicide. It's not like I'd ever deliberately kill myself, it's a matter of just not wanting to live. Not live like this. Why did I fight so hard to live? Why was I so stubborn? Would it have been better to just fade away?

Special

Gender finding was brand new when we had our kids. Both my husband and I said it didn't matter, we just wanted healthy babies. Some family and friends really gave us a hard time for not finding out. But we held firm. It doesn't matter as long as it's healthy was our reply. We were given that illusion of "healthy" for years until two very different diagnosis gave us two very special needs kids.  First at age 7 our youngest, our boy is diagnosed with Aspergers. Which a while later is changed to autism, ADHD, possible odd, and high anxiety. Certainly a handful to deal with every single day. Followed at age 12 with our oldest, our daughter being diagnosed with a sudden Arrythmia death syndrome long qt type 5.  what we wanted above all else, healthy kids, was denied to us. We thought we wouldn't be able to handle special needs kids, but we are. As parents we find that strength from deep within. 

Confabulation

Here is the Wiki Definition. In psychology, confabulation (verb: confabulate) is a memory disturbance, defined as the production of fabricated, distorted or misinterpreted memories about oneself or the world, without the conscious intention to deceive.[1] Confabulation is distinguished from lying as there is no intent to deceive and the person is unaware the information is false.[2] Although individuals can present blatantly false information, confabulation can also seem to be coherent, internally consistent, and relatively normal.[2] Individuals who confabulate present incorrect memories ranging from "subtle alterations to bizarre fabrications",[3] and are generally very confident about their recollections, despite contradictory evidence.[4] Most known cases of confabulation are symptomatic of brain damage or dementias, such as aneurysm, Alzheimer's disease, or Wernicke–Korsakoff syndrome (a common manifestation of thiamine deficiency caused by alcoholism).[5]