April 19 is a rough day

20 years ago today I miscarried a baby. I can imagine myself with a 20 year old running around. Maybe even a grandma, that is a rough thought. For years when I could not conceive I wondered if I was being punished for miscarrying my first. I was young, got pregnant in college, and was sick all the time. I had morning sickness 24 hours a day every single day, I lost a lot of weight. I was alone and I was scared. I went to bed one night feeling very ill, I woke up two days later in the hospital. I had hemarraged and been uncousious, and almost died. I miscarried in my fifth month. When I missed college some friends tried to reach me and couldn't so called my ex and he had the landlord let him in. It saved my life. I have always felt so guilty that I was just that little bit relieved that it had happened. I was so young, and on my own, and did not want a child raised the way that I had been raised. Feelings just all over the place. It hit me like a ton of bricks again when I was pregnant with my daughter and son, I relished every minute of the pregnancy's. I don't think I truly relaxed until I was into my sixth month on each of them. With todays technology if I had had my baby in a hospital they probably could have saved his/her life. But 20 years ago, and the fact that it happened at home it just was not a possibility. I never got to see the baby, hold the baby, find out what sex it was or anything. My ex tormented me with the fact that he knew and he would never tell me. Good thing he was my ex. At his worst tormenting me, he told me that it was a monster, that it was deformed, and that was why I miscarried. He was a real piece of crap. I always wonder in my mind just what really happened. I was so ill, and so young I did not even know what to ask the doctors. I was so scared and so ignorant of what to do and what to ask. I don't even know what ever happened to the baby. It brings me to tears even twenty years later to think that my baby may have been discarded like garbage. Because whatever my baby was, it certainly was not garbage, and even though I was young and scared I loved that little one so much and wanted the best life it could have.
While pregnant with my DD I never had morning sickness, and while pregnant with DS I had it at anytime of the day for over six months. That pregnancy scared me cause it was so familiar to the one I miscarried. So I wonder and think within my heart that I have an angel son somewhere out there looking over me.

I did this LO a few years ago and it has some hidden journalling on it about my thoughts on what would have been his/her birthday, and the day I walked out the back door and saw this beautiful sunrise and felt peace flow over me.