Thought for the day:

How can anyone in world that has ever seen me or spoke to me NOT realize that I am mentally ill with depression how is it possible?

I have a wonderful husband
I have two beautiful children
I have a job people would kill for

and yet I am not happy, in fact I am miserable.
I don't laugh, I don't smile, I have anger boiling inside me, and I talk to no one.

My holiday pictures show a 39 year old woman hunched over like a 90 year old in extreme pain, no smiles to be seen throughout the two weeks, you can see the line lines etched in my face from grimaces, pain, and anger.
Yet my own family doctor, a walk in clinic doctor that had me bawling in the room, a male pychiatrist, all with the opinion that since I am "obviously" well educated, well dressed, and well spoken that I "must" be fine.

Well you know something I am screaming out for help and not getting it. My hubby ignores it, my Mom doesn't see it, and I have isolated myself so much from those around me there are no friends to pick it out.

People I know on line just attack me privately, they have no clue where my comments come from but just assume they know. And then the attacks go on for days. They want to take my one happy place I have in the world away from me. I just don't get it. Sure I am the one with the illness but man grow up, what is your excuse?

How is it all possible you ask? well I sure as heck do not know myself. I just know everyone else tells me I should be happy. But guess what I AM NOT. And I don't know how to shovel myself out anymore, so maybe I should quit trying and start shoveling myself in.

Am I a downer, probably, am I negative, probably, am I a devils advocate, definitely, do I have a blad cloud that follows me everywhere I go most definitiely.

Comments

Broken Beth said…
I often feel the same way I am sorry you are always in pain, it sucks that there is nothing that can be done for you. I'll keep you in my thoughts because you always keep me in yours.
11:42 PM
Lori Petticrew said…
i feel this way too some times. i just try to have a postive out look and run with it. i'll keep you in my prayers....love ya girl!
10:29 AM
Cheyenne said…
What you are experiencing must be absolutely horrible. Can't you get 2nd opinions elsewhere? There has to be someone somewhere who will listen to you and offer the help you need. Keep trying. Meanwhile, you are in my prayers. God speed.
9:41 PM
AshleyS said…
feeling this same way myself lately. kudos to you for having the guts to say it out loud.
9:55 AM
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