Alone and adrift at sea

My life is consumed with darkness. I no longer see light in it. My faith has wavered and I don't know how to get it back.
I dread getting up in the morning, I dread going to work, I dread leaving work, and I dread going home. I dread going to sleep at night.
I am on medication for anxiety attacks that does not completely keep them at bay, I am on neuropathic pain prevention medication that has helped some but leaves me in a very drugged state and I still feel pain.
I still am in pain 24 hours a day every single day I live. It never abates it never goes away, it is always there in varying degrees of incapacitation.
The degenerative injuries are starting to make themselves known now. Since my back is bad, and my hip is worse all the time I walk "improperly" and therefore my knee is shot. I was in physio and acupuncture for it for months in 2005 and 2006 trying to find some relief. My neck and shoulder muscles are so injured and weak that they can no longer support my head properly. Therefore the muscles holding my skull in place are taking a strain and giving me headaches like I have never had before.
The transitioning movements from a sitting position to a standing position are so painful, awkward and difficult to do.
Standing for any length of time or walking sets off pain that increases and increases and increases in level.
Laying down in bed at night I am constantly tossing and turning trying to find a comfortable position to sleep in.
My sleep is interrupted by nightmares, anxiety and pain.
I am in so much pain and exhaustion that there is not time for enjoyment, I am not even sure what it is any more.
I cannot sweep my own floors, I cannot vacuum, my three year old can do a better job vacuuming than me. It is impossible for me to stand at a sink and wash dishes.
I work on the second floor of a building. My back and knee hurt so much going up stairs that I have to pause half way up.
I try to do things, I truly do but boy do I pay for it afterwards.
Then there is my largest regret in life. I should never have subjected two children to my condition. I should not have. I love them with all my being, but I am not capable of being a proper parent. That is the saddest thing in this entire fiasco. No one should be deprived the right and the privilege of having the joy of children in their lives. I feel bad every single day though that I chose to have these two children because they deserve so much more than me. More than I am able to give them.

I do not feel joy, I do not feel pleasure, I just feel this great void inside myself.

My Mom's Alzheimer's is getting progressively worse. She still will not admit it, I only know what it is because my doctor is the same as her doctor. My Mother in Law is now 87 years old. I do not have much support from either of them in my life due to their health and age. My sisters cut me totally out of their lives, I am not worth having.
I have no friends, not a single person I can pick up the phone and call and chat with. I am not worth knowing. I am totally alone.

For you see ALONE is what I feel. Alone and adrift at sea.