Oh Man, it is snowing

It was just a light powder when I left home this morning, now most things are white. There is ice on the river. Geese are finally flying south, I hope they all make it safely, it is late in the season, for them to be leaving.

Why do I find it so hard to reach out and ask for help, when I need it. I withdraw totally into myself, and always try to deal with it myself. Was it because I was so isolated as a child. Was it because I never had affection demonstrated to me. Is it just that I am an introvert. I wonder. I get hurt, and I cannot express it to the person that did the hurting. I just withdraw and chalk it up to "that's life".
Self esteem is a weird thing. Totally weird thing. I can be strong very very strong carrying the "weight" of the issues myself, but deep down inside I do not feel worthy. That scares me. The few people that I have ever shared that sentitment to have ended up using it against me. Yes I do have trust issues, I wonder why. Anytime I take down a brick of the wall surrounding me, I am hurt.

The situation with DH is very tenuous. I have no clue what to do about it. Work has its own set of issues. My parenting skills, are iffy at best. That old matriarch story. You learn by being exposed. Well with no role models in my life, I am learning as I go. It is hard. I hope I am teaching my children things that I was never taught. It is hard.

Just a ramble, trying to figure out life. Thank you all for your thoughts, and emails they mean the world to me. They really do.

Comments

Unknown said…
Just wanted to send you a great big hug. I am so sorry to hear you are feeling like this sweetie. Please know that I am here if you ever need to talk.
Hugs *wrapping my arms around you*
Lynn x x x
3:28 AM
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