Wake up Call
Well, my holidays were a wake up call for me. They truly were. I need to take more time, I need to laugh more, I need some me time. I loved having my friends here from Montreal and I loved having the kids with me for the two weeks. A little Mommy time would have been nice.
I suffer on a daily basis from chronic pain and fibromyalgia caused from a car accident back in 1996. This September will be 10 years for my altered life. It is hard. Very very hard. At work I hurt sitting all day long. I am grumpy when I get home and have to be Mommy to two kids that have been left at daycare all day. They want fun and games and I just want to die. It is not fair to them at all.
My limitations were a slap in the face to my while on holidays. Due to pain and lack of mobility I just could not do with my kids what my friend could do with her daughter. I hurt, I had to have naps, I truly wished I would fall off the face of the earth a few times. Looking back though all I will see are the smiling faces in the pictures at the various tourist places. No one but me knows about the cramps in my body all night long, the struggle to sit up or get out of bed, the tears for the pain and the tears for the loss. Almost ten years after my initial injury I think I am finally coming to grips with just how horrible the quality of my life really is. What do I do about it? I certainly don't know. I live in this artificial bubble. I present this persona to the world and those around me that all is fine and dandy. SOme people even think I am funny. But deep inside I am struggling with the issues of the pain, limitations, and the long term mental effects that this has caused me. I cry way to much, I anger way to much, I feel helpless way too much, I hate having to be in control all the time, and sometimes I just want someone to look after me. TO put me first. Not all the time, just once in a while. I need to escape this black hole of depression and try to enjoy today. I look at the passage of time and just resent it. I do not know how to break this terrible cylcle that I seem to be repeating.
I take it one day at a time, but sometimes I want more, and I know I deserve more.
I suffer on a daily basis from chronic pain and fibromyalgia caused from a car accident back in 1996. This September will be 10 years for my altered life. It is hard. Very very hard. At work I hurt sitting all day long. I am grumpy when I get home and have to be Mommy to two kids that have been left at daycare all day. They want fun and games and I just want to die. It is not fair to them at all.
My limitations were a slap in the face to my while on holidays. Due to pain and lack of mobility I just could not do with my kids what my friend could do with her daughter. I hurt, I had to have naps, I truly wished I would fall off the face of the earth a few times. Looking back though all I will see are the smiling faces in the pictures at the various tourist places. No one but me knows about the cramps in my body all night long, the struggle to sit up or get out of bed, the tears for the pain and the tears for the loss. Almost ten years after my initial injury I think I am finally coming to grips with just how horrible the quality of my life really is. What do I do about it? I certainly don't know. I live in this artificial bubble. I present this persona to the world and those around me that all is fine and dandy. SOme people even think I am funny. But deep inside I am struggling with the issues of the pain, limitations, and the long term mental effects that this has caused me. I cry way to much, I anger way to much, I feel helpless way too much, I hate having to be in control all the time, and sometimes I just want someone to look after me. TO put me first. Not all the time, just once in a while. I need to escape this black hole of depression and try to enjoy today. I look at the passage of time and just resent it. I do not know how to break this terrible cylcle that I seem to be repeating.
I take it one day at a time, but sometimes I want more, and I know I deserve more.
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