Emotions all in a heap
This has been an emotional week.
I do not do Christmas at the best of times. I have some very negative memories of Christmas and those overwhelm me at this time of year. I also personally think that CHristmas is way too commercialized. I battle depression, and the Christmas hoopla and all just make it all worse. THis week also finding out that Teegan passed away hit me hard too. My little boy is not the healthiest there is , I am continually thinking it could so easily have been him. I feel so quilty even thinking that but I do. I often do not know if it is just regular asthma, a cold, a serious asthma attack, pnemonia, or something else. I often wonder do I take him to ER or wait for the walk in clinic. I second guess my decisions at the best of times, now after how quickly Teegan passed away I feel paranoid about it. The grief that family is feeling is earth shattering.
I am upset, emotional and just not coping well. Usually at Christmas I pull into myself and just avoid the world and that is what I want to do.
My temper did flare largely today though. Over at SJ I was equated to a "gang banger" because I wished a specific friend a hug. She was going through a horrible time and I knew about it and others didn't so I sent her a hug on the message board. Well today, when the board is saddened and quiet with the sorrow of the loss of Teegan, someone jumps in and starts the berating about the thread hugs. And going on and on about the exclusionary ness of them, that they equate to gangs and such. It is way way way over my limit of being able to tolerate it. I just can't. Call it a temper tantrum or whatever, but I am just sick to my stomach that some people would publicly post that about me. I have been on that board for almost two years, I have confided in them, laughed with them, and cried with them, I have given them advice and support when they needed it. Sure I don't know everyone there and not everyone knows me, some I like some I don't some I have formed what I thought were friendships, others just avoid. But that thread just hit me in the gut and made me sick. Maybe at a different time of year, or maybe in a week not made horrific by the death of a little one it MAY not have bothered me, but today it did. It totally bothered me. I have to let the venom out of me, cause I just keep getting sick over it. I just totally do.
SO that is me today, sick to my stomach over something on-line and my heart and prayers go out to Sarah, Grant, Hank, Willie and Dane. Peace be with you in this difficult time.
I do not do Christmas at the best of times. I have some very negative memories of Christmas and those overwhelm me at this time of year. I also personally think that CHristmas is way too commercialized. I battle depression, and the Christmas hoopla and all just make it all worse. THis week also finding out that Teegan passed away hit me hard too. My little boy is not the healthiest there is , I am continually thinking it could so easily have been him. I feel so quilty even thinking that but I do. I often do not know if it is just regular asthma, a cold, a serious asthma attack, pnemonia, or something else. I often wonder do I take him to ER or wait for the walk in clinic. I second guess my decisions at the best of times, now after how quickly Teegan passed away I feel paranoid about it. The grief that family is feeling is earth shattering.
I am upset, emotional and just not coping well. Usually at Christmas I pull into myself and just avoid the world and that is what I want to do.
My temper did flare largely today though. Over at SJ I was equated to a "gang banger" because I wished a specific friend a hug. She was going through a horrible time and I knew about it and others didn't so I sent her a hug on the message board. Well today, when the board is saddened and quiet with the sorrow of the loss of Teegan, someone jumps in and starts the berating about the thread hugs. And going on and on about the exclusionary ness of them, that they equate to gangs and such. It is way way way over my limit of being able to tolerate it. I just can't. Call it a temper tantrum or whatever, but I am just sick to my stomach that some people would publicly post that about me. I have been on that board for almost two years, I have confided in them, laughed with them, and cried with them, I have given them advice and support when they needed it. Sure I don't know everyone there and not everyone knows me, some I like some I don't some I have formed what I thought were friendships, others just avoid. But that thread just hit me in the gut and made me sick. Maybe at a different time of year, or maybe in a week not made horrific by the death of a little one it MAY not have bothered me, but today it did. It totally bothered me. I have to let the venom out of me, cause I just keep getting sick over it. I just totally do.
SO that is me today, sick to my stomach over something on-line and my heart and prayers go out to Sarah, Grant, Hank, Willie and Dane. Peace be with you in this difficult time.
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