Free Friday's
Should I say free thought Fridays?
In January I started getting pain in my left breast. Very bad pain. I would lay in bed at night and cry it hurt so bad. I had an appointment for my annual physical scheduled in February so thought I would wait and talk to my doctor then. She ended up having to go off on emergency leave herself. So my appointment was postponed. Then we had the trip to Disney. It hurt so bad, the rides and movement really hurt it. I finally got in to see my doctor, and she could detect a fair sized lump. So I had to wait for an ultrasound which didn't clarify anything. I have dense breasts and it is hard to see in them. I then had an ultrasound and had to wait for that. No cancer, it is something called mastalgia. A gland has not drained properly and is clogged and causing pain. I have started omega threes, cut all caffeine out of my diet, stopped any activities where the breasts move around a lot. I am still in a lot of pain from it. My normal painkillers I am on do not touch the pain. I am susceptible to cysts, I have had one clogged one removed from my scalp and have another one that will need removed soon. So it was a blessing that it was not cancer (apparently breast pain is not indicative of cancer ). But not having anything to really do for the pain is difficult. I switch bra's all the time to try to keep different pressure points off of it. I was so scared to discuss it with anyone.
I get a phone call from my Mom. There is something I need to tell you. I knew it was not going to be good, the tone of her voice told me that.
She says "You know that baby girl I gave up for adoption before I had your older sister?" Ummm NO, so it goes back and forth with her that she thought I had heard rumours, and that is one I never did. I have heard lots of rumours but never that one. So this girl that she gave up for adoption back in 1956, has had the adoption records and been able to trace Mom. She has since came out from Victoria, BC to meet us. Just a moment of OH MY GOD. What next? With my dysfunctional family can there be any other surprises?????? She seems like a nice lady, she has grand children the ages of my kids. I just simply do not know what to think. I just don't. Mom asked me, and all I could say is I am stunned. Totally stunned. I am glad she found Mom and could find out her medical history. Obviously Mom wanted to be found because she never filled out the paper work that would prevent a reunion. I am just stunned.
So my oldest sister is now Jeanette. She was born in March 1956. Mom gave her up for adoption. She named someone on the records as this ladies father.
Wanda born in 1957, is very very angry about this whole thing. She made a comment that she is no longer the oldest, that now she has middle child syndrome.
Wendy born in 1959, is also angry about the situation, coming up with the comment to me that her whole childhood was a lie.
I was born in 1967.
ALL four of us girls have different fathers. Can you imagine the scandal back then? Didn't they know what birth control was or how babies were made? I have to keep telling myself that moms actions do not reflect on me.
In Wanda's anger she threw out a name for me. She says she has always known who my father was and didn't ever want to tell me. If she couldn't know hers I couldn't know mine. I phoned Wendy that night and she pretty much said the same thing. SO now I have a name, and need to hunt it down. That is a scary proposition. I desperately want to know though. I want the medical history not just for me but for my two kids as well.
You also have to realize that up until Mom was ill in March, my sisters were not speaking to me. They had not spoke to me in years. I cannot imagine what it would have been like if this woman would have come around if mom had died. Apparently the only one that had an idea that she existed was Wendy. WOW. she knew and never said.
In the back of my mind is if there is a secret like that hidden away what else is hidden away. I asked Mom outright if I was actually the youngest. She did say yes. But who knows. She has lied to me so many times in the past.
Wanda's anger in this whole thing was if mom could give one child up for a better life why could she not give Wanda up for a better life too? A lot of anger there. I kind of agree with her. Why couldn't mom give us a better life? I grew up in horrible circumstances. Know what I mean? Wendy was the only one that was born in wedlock, Mom was married to her father. Why does she feel that her childhood was a lie? She wouldn't tell me.
This is very emotionally draining, and so frustrating. I hope Jeanette turns out to be the sister I never had. Maybe.
DH has been very angry at this entire thing. He has no understanding, no sympathy, no nothing. I do not understand where his feelings are coming from.
Did I tell you that Dwight died in March at the same time Mom was sick. Actually on the day we thought Mom was going to die we got the phone call that said Dwight had. That has been a difficult issue for Myles and I. The last words Dwight and I ever had back in 2004 were angry ones. I was angry and outraged at him, and he was dismissive of me. It was not a good parting. Due to that, Myles drifted away from Dwight. I never stood in his way, but at the same time their friendship was never what it had been before. It has made things very awkward for me and Myles. I feel very sorry for Joy and the five kids. Dwight is dead and not a penny of insurance. They have lost their home that Dwight had built and their life will never be at the same standard it was before. I am sorry Dwight is dead, I am sorry the kids do not have a father and Joy does not have a husband. Myles has shouted at me in anger more than once that it was my fault they were no longer as close as they had been. I do not know what to say or do? When Joy phones to talk, I offer advise, have helped look for life insurance, etc etc. I have done lots.
It boils down to that when we needed Dwight the most, when the kids needed Dwight the most, Dwight and Joy were their god parents and guardians, Dwight turned his back on us. Left us to go hungry, lose the house, not have sufficient anything. KWIM? It is hard.
DH is drinking way to much, he is absent even when he is home. Totally not there. We fight way to much. It is very hard, I want my kids to have a father. To have something that I never had.
Myles and I have a good friend Greg. He is one of the kindest hearts I have ever known. He is very overweight has been all his life. He has diabetes. He is a truck driver and does not eat properly, always fast food. Something weird has happened to him. His stomach has fallen? all the front part is way out front rather than close to his body like it should be. He could die at any time. He is waiting for gastric bypass, but is too sick to have it. It is very scary.
We had the funeral/reunion for DH Mom's older sister this past weekend. Ina was in her 90's and died at new years. Due to the weather and frozen ground her burial was postponed till this weekend. A mini family reunion was held for it. Lilly is now the last remaining sibling of eight children. She was the youngest. It is so hard to see this wonderful lady failing before your very eyes. I love her so much, she was the mother I always wanted. It will be so sad when she passes. That is heavily on Myles and my minds.
DD passed grade two, she is in day summer camps all summer long. Four in July for gymnastics. Then two sport camps in August, a dance camp, and a Museum camp. A lot of changes for her, and having to make friends. It is very tiring on her. And then she takes it out on me.
DS has his temper tantrums, he is sometimes impossible to get to do stuff. He is still not gaining weight, but is growing. He is so scrawny and skinny. I worry about him all the time. Trying to make sure every thing that goes into his mouth is nutrition and not junk. He needs all the nutrition he can get. He will be entering kindergarten in September. I still do not know if it will be kindergarten at daycare or kindergarten at school. He hates daycare, there is a brand new owner, and she will be the K teacher. So lots of changes there too. But school is only part days and having to try and find part time care for me to work is difficult if not impossible to find.
DH is a totally absent parent and husband. I do it all for the kids. I find it so overwhelming at times. There are times I just want some me time. Some time for me, without having to think about kids, work, the house, etc etc etc. Does anyone understand that?
The van has hit in a parking lot a couple weeks ago, and then again on Sunday.
If you made it through this I applaud you. It is hard to understand for me living it, I really do not expect you to understand it not living it?
Please know that I appreciate you being there for me, and that I value your friendship highly.
In January I started getting pain in my left breast. Very bad pain. I would lay in bed at night and cry it hurt so bad. I had an appointment for my annual physical scheduled in February so thought I would wait and talk to my doctor then. She ended up having to go off on emergency leave herself. So my appointment was postponed. Then we had the trip to Disney. It hurt so bad, the rides and movement really hurt it. I finally got in to see my doctor, and she could detect a fair sized lump. So I had to wait for an ultrasound which didn't clarify anything. I have dense breasts and it is hard to see in them. I then had an ultrasound and had to wait for that. No cancer, it is something called mastalgia. A gland has not drained properly and is clogged and causing pain. I have started omega threes, cut all caffeine out of my diet, stopped any activities where the breasts move around a lot. I am still in a lot of pain from it. My normal painkillers I am on do not touch the pain. I am susceptible to cysts, I have had one clogged one removed from my scalp and have another one that will need removed soon. So it was a blessing that it was not cancer (apparently breast pain is not indicative of cancer ). But not having anything to really do for the pain is difficult. I switch bra's all the time to try to keep different pressure points off of it. I was so scared to discuss it with anyone.
I get a phone call from my Mom. There is something I need to tell you. I knew it was not going to be good, the tone of her voice told me that.
She says "You know that baby girl I gave up for adoption before I had your older sister?" Ummm NO, so it goes back and forth with her that she thought I had heard rumours, and that is one I never did. I have heard lots of rumours but never that one. So this girl that she gave up for adoption back in 1956, has had the adoption records and been able to trace Mom. She has since came out from Victoria, BC to meet us. Just a moment of OH MY GOD. What next? With my dysfunctional family can there be any other surprises?????? She seems like a nice lady, she has grand children the ages of my kids. I just simply do not know what to think. I just don't. Mom asked me, and all I could say is I am stunned. Totally stunned. I am glad she found Mom and could find out her medical history. Obviously Mom wanted to be found because she never filled out the paper work that would prevent a reunion. I am just stunned.
So my oldest sister is now Jeanette. She was born in March 1956. Mom gave her up for adoption. She named someone on the records as this ladies father.
Wanda born in 1957, is very very angry about this whole thing. She made a comment that she is no longer the oldest, that now she has middle child syndrome.
Wendy born in 1959, is also angry about the situation, coming up with the comment to me that her whole childhood was a lie.
I was born in 1967.
ALL four of us girls have different fathers. Can you imagine the scandal back then? Didn't they know what birth control was or how babies were made? I have to keep telling myself that moms actions do not reflect on me.
In Wanda's anger she threw out a name for me. She says she has always known who my father was and didn't ever want to tell me. If she couldn't know hers I couldn't know mine. I phoned Wendy that night and she pretty much said the same thing. SO now I have a name, and need to hunt it down. That is a scary proposition. I desperately want to know though. I want the medical history not just for me but for my two kids as well.
You also have to realize that up until Mom was ill in March, my sisters were not speaking to me. They had not spoke to me in years. I cannot imagine what it would have been like if this woman would have come around if mom had died. Apparently the only one that had an idea that she existed was Wendy. WOW. she knew and never said.
In the back of my mind is if there is a secret like that hidden away what else is hidden away. I asked Mom outright if I was actually the youngest. She did say yes. But who knows. She has lied to me so many times in the past.
Wanda's anger in this whole thing was if mom could give one child up for a better life why could she not give Wanda up for a better life too? A lot of anger there. I kind of agree with her. Why couldn't mom give us a better life? I grew up in horrible circumstances. Know what I mean? Wendy was the only one that was born in wedlock, Mom was married to her father. Why does she feel that her childhood was a lie? She wouldn't tell me.
This is very emotionally draining, and so frustrating. I hope Jeanette turns out to be the sister I never had. Maybe.
DH has been very angry at this entire thing. He has no understanding, no sympathy, no nothing. I do not understand where his feelings are coming from.
Did I tell you that Dwight died in March at the same time Mom was sick. Actually on the day we thought Mom was going to die we got the phone call that said Dwight had. That has been a difficult issue for Myles and I. The last words Dwight and I ever had back in 2004 were angry ones. I was angry and outraged at him, and he was dismissive of me. It was not a good parting. Due to that, Myles drifted away from Dwight. I never stood in his way, but at the same time their friendship was never what it had been before. It has made things very awkward for me and Myles. I feel very sorry for Joy and the five kids. Dwight is dead and not a penny of insurance. They have lost their home that Dwight had built and their life will never be at the same standard it was before. I am sorry Dwight is dead, I am sorry the kids do not have a father and Joy does not have a husband. Myles has shouted at me in anger more than once that it was my fault they were no longer as close as they had been. I do not know what to say or do? When Joy phones to talk, I offer advise, have helped look for life insurance, etc etc. I have done lots.
It boils down to that when we needed Dwight the most, when the kids needed Dwight the most, Dwight and Joy were their god parents and guardians, Dwight turned his back on us. Left us to go hungry, lose the house, not have sufficient anything. KWIM? It is hard.
DH is drinking way to much, he is absent even when he is home. Totally not there. We fight way to much. It is very hard, I want my kids to have a father. To have something that I never had.
Myles and I have a good friend Greg. He is one of the kindest hearts I have ever known. He is very overweight has been all his life. He has diabetes. He is a truck driver and does not eat properly, always fast food. Something weird has happened to him. His stomach has fallen? all the front part is way out front rather than close to his body like it should be. He could die at any time. He is waiting for gastric bypass, but is too sick to have it. It is very scary.
We had the funeral/reunion for DH Mom's older sister this past weekend. Ina was in her 90's and died at new years. Due to the weather and frozen ground her burial was postponed till this weekend. A mini family reunion was held for it. Lilly is now the last remaining sibling of eight children. She was the youngest. It is so hard to see this wonderful lady failing before your very eyes. I love her so much, she was the mother I always wanted. It will be so sad when she passes. That is heavily on Myles and my minds.
DD passed grade two, she is in day summer camps all summer long. Four in July for gymnastics. Then two sport camps in August, a dance camp, and a Museum camp. A lot of changes for her, and having to make friends. It is very tiring on her. And then she takes it out on me.
DS has his temper tantrums, he is sometimes impossible to get to do stuff. He is still not gaining weight, but is growing. He is so scrawny and skinny. I worry about him all the time. Trying to make sure every thing that goes into his mouth is nutrition and not junk. He needs all the nutrition he can get. He will be entering kindergarten in September. I still do not know if it will be kindergarten at daycare or kindergarten at school. He hates daycare, there is a brand new owner, and she will be the K teacher. So lots of changes there too. But school is only part days and having to try and find part time care for me to work is difficult if not impossible to find.
DH is a totally absent parent and husband. I do it all for the kids. I find it so overwhelming at times. There are times I just want some me time. Some time for me, without having to think about kids, work, the house, etc etc etc. Does anyone understand that?
The van has hit in a parking lot a couple weeks ago, and then again on Sunday.
If you made it through this I applaud you. It is hard to understand for me living it, I really do not expect you to understand it not living it?
Please know that I appreciate you being there for me, and that I value your friendship highly.
Comments
Have missed you on SJ. You have so much going on. If I can help with anything please email or pm me. Keeping you in thoughts and prayers.
Nilsa (chicky6363)