Feeble

Seeing my Mom unable to easily stand, or sit or move is hard.  Seeing my Moms mind fade away in front of me is even harder.
Visiting Lilly in the Manor House last Mothers Day was scary. Looking around seeing seniors unable to move, tied into chairs, flopping around, drooling, no abilities left. Terrified me.
I've thought about that a few times over the last year but this week I've fixated on it.
I don't want to grow old, I don't want to become incapacitated, I don't wht to become feeble.  I don't want to be a strong mind in a weak body. I don't want my mind to slowly discintigrate from within.
Living currently with a injured brain, living in pain, living with reduced mobility, I don't see me having a promising future.  That scares me.  How to live life today? How to fully experience life?

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

April 19 is a rough day

Image
20 years ago today I miscarried a baby. I can imagine myself with a 20 year old running around. Maybe even a grandma, that is a rough thought. For years when I could not conceive I wondered if I was being punished for miscarrying my first. I was young, got pregnant in college, and was sick all the time. I had morning sickness 24 hours a day every single day, I lost a lot of weight. I was alone and I was scared. I went to bed one night feeling very ill, I woke up two days later in the hospital. I had hemarraged and been uncousious, and almost died. I miscarried in my fifth month. When I missed college some friends tried to reach me and couldn't so called my ex and he had the landlord let him in. It saved my life. I have always felt so guilty that I was just that little bit relieved that it had happened. I was so young, and on my own, and did not want a child raised the way that I had been raised. Feelings just all over the place. It hit me like a ton of bricks again w
Read more

Well I made it and I survived it

Image
I am finally 40. Entering the prime of my life. I think it is all how you look at things. So if I look positive it will be postitive. This is the decade that is going to be about me. I had an adult decade on education, I had an adult decade on family, now I want one on me. Thanks Jenni for calling last night, I miss you and you are welcome to come back to Alberta and visit any time. I got the cutest birday card from Poncho with her original photography on it of a koala, I love it. I feel spoiled and loved and it is nice to feel that way. I got a cake sent to me at work yesterday, a balloon arrangement with a teddy bear and chocolates and some basic grey paper. A bunch of girls from SJ went together and organized it all. I feel so honoured to be counted as one of their friends. I got to talk to geminigirl (Carrie) yesterday as well, she is one of the sweetest people I know. Thanks for calling.
Read more

Back to school

Image
DD first day of grade three is today. She is very excited to be going back, and hoping she gets her dream teacher. There was a fiasco last year at the start of school and DD started with her dream teacher and then they moved her twice more and she ended up with a split teacher room. This year she hopes she gets Mrs. K, for good. I hope the school has their act together this year. She didn't want me to drive her, she didn't want me to follow the school bus, she wanted to do it on her own just like last year. She was happy to have mom wait at the bus stop with her though.
Read more