Skeletons

Does every family have skeletons in the proverbial closet?
Do they stay there or do they come out?
I have to wonder.

I grew up in total poverty. Often with no food, improper clothing, no money, poor shelter, no transportation, we lived in an old farm granery that was converted to shelter. We had no plumbing, the old outhose etc etc. My Mom often told me that she wished I had never been born, that she should have given me up for adoption, I was abused and Mom never ever stood up for me. Adults I told that should have stepped in to protect me never did. With fights with my Mom I often shouted back at her that I wished I hadn't been born too. I often hoped I would wake up and be in a loving family, not the circumstances I had.


My Mom calls me and says I have something you should know. I knew by the tone of her voice it was going to be big. She starts the conversation by saying: "you know I gave a girl up for adoption before I had your older sister?" UMMM NO. What? Oh I thought you would know. How the hell would I know that? Well I thought you might have heard about it. arrrgggg. So it turns out I have an older sister I never knew existed. She was searching for her birth parents for over 16 years. So I start questioning Mom. When did this happen? Well I got pregnant in high school. In the course of the conversation Mom contradicted herself a number of times, as to when this child was born, now that could be mom's alzheimers coming out or she could be lieing even more. I do not know. I asked who the father was and she said she couldn't remember. I was like how could you not know. She then said the name was on the birth certificate. Apparently she left home while pregnant worked in a different town, then went to a girls Catholic school and had the baby. She is happy this woman has found her. She says my older two sisters were happy with it. All I could say was I was stunned, totally stunned. I just do not know what to think. Sure if it has bothered Mom wondering all these years 50+, then I am happy for her. It just brings up all these other emotions in me like what other lies are out there. Why did she keep me in those conditions rather than give me a chance at a better life? Was it because of a heartache from doing it before? I don't know. What I do know now is that she has four daughters all from different men, three out of wedlock one in. I just do not know. I want the facts about me. I want to know who my father is.
It will be strange this summer when she comes from Vancouver to meet.

I also found out my niece is now homeless. Her mom kicked her out onto the streets. Her drug use is out of control, and she will not seek help. She has had two friends die of drug overdoses in the last two months, and that was not a wake up call for her. Her Mom had had enough and kicked her out, had her locks changed. She is 28 years old and has nothing. I work with a bunch of young people that age. They have their jobs, their houses, cars, wives, families, babies, etc. I cannot help but compare the two. How one girl that had that potential now has nothing. I basically raised my niece from the time she was three till five. She holds a very dear place in my heart.

During the course of applying for additional life insurance to ensure that in the event of my death or DH death that the kids and remaining person are looked after, we had to do lifestyle questionairres. It was abundently clear DH was uncomfortable answering the question about how much he drinks. I finally had to ask if he wanted me to leave the room when he answered it. He finally said no and said a number. Later on I told him that the blood tests will tell whether he fudged the number or not, and just what his liver damage is. He was none to happy with me pointing that out.

Huge fight on Fathers Day with DH and the kids. It totally ruined Father's Day and I do not think that either will ever forgive the other for things that were said and done that day. DS may as he might not remember, but I do not think DD will forget. That is very sad for me.

I have decided to send DS to kindergarten at actual school if I can find part time care for him. He hates daycare, and frankly forcing him to go there every single morning is hard on me. I know he is well taken care of etc, but it still hurts me to see him so unhappy.

Going off my meds has been very difficult. It seems I am abundantly care free and happy or I am grumpy as heck. I do not understand it. I am doing the best I can do.

If anyone else emails me that I thrive on drama and bring it on myself I might just knock them up side the head. I am confused, I am hurt, I am seaching, I am bewildered, I am overwhelmed. Maybe I am reaching out for help, maybe I am withdrawing into myself. I do not even know right now.