Humiliation
Humiliation comes in many forms. Some times I think we are embarrassed more by those things out of our control than those things in our control.
Take my illness for example. I'm embarrassed that I died, that I caused this to happen o my family, even though it was completely out of my control. So I got a brain injury, it's not my fault why be embarrassed. My son is autistic, it's not my fault or his fault so why be embarrassed?
But: my weight absolutely completely my fault, yet it never bothered me. For 25 years it didn't bother me. How did it not? Then this month, humiliation after humiliation regarding my weight just made it hurt so deeply; it is my fault, I am humiliated. I'm embarrassed. And worse yet I'm ashamed.
I've slowly lost my strength and endurance. Not because of my heart, but because I don't. Just because I don't. Horribly humiliating.
Visiting Calaway earlier this month and Austin wanted me to go on a ride with him. Imagine his disappointment when I couldn't get the safety gate on the ride to close. My humiliation having to delay the ride when I had to get off and leave the area.
Then the clothes shopping. I'm now one of those old obese mumu wearing ladies as I can't find any clothes to wear. Nothing local. I've looked. Ordering online to have to return as it doesn't fit. I haven't had a pair of pants fit me in months. Humiliating. I love the water. I feel better in the water. But I haven't been able to go because I don't have a suit that fits. I've looked everywhere in town. Tried on suits. Ordered not one, but four suits online and still don't have a good fit. Humiliating.
That same trip to Calgary we stopped at Cross Iron mills and I went to the closest thing to a plus size store there. I was rushed and asked the sales lady for help. Her contempt for me was palatable. She waved her hand in a general direction and said it's all color coded. I go look, can't find what I want. I ask again for help, she shows me a rack and leaves. Eventually she comes back carrying a size 16 black Capri. She says with a sneer on her face, you'll have to try and squeeze into this. Just WTH? Humiliation. So many ways she could have handled it differently. Telling me initially that their largest size was a 16, would have been awesome. But no she derived pleasure from my humiliation.
Going to WEM Galaxyland in order to celebrate Austin's birthday as a family. I'm already stressed about my heat, my S-ICD, Alexis heart, then the added worry about weight restrictions, size restrictions I was tense. I never fully relaxed the whole day. On more than one ride I wondered if I'd ever get my fat ass unstuck. But then the last ride of the day. The big one. The Mindbender Rollercoaster. Turns out cutoff for the cars before us was right at us. I'd get a front row seat. awesome. I walked to the very front of that roller coaster and sat in the seat, and realized immediately I'd have issues. The belt across my waist went to one hip, certainly not across my tummy, and my other hip. OMG then Myles is standing at the car yelling at me. In front of everyone else. I'm at the very front remember. He wanted me to hurry up and get in. I'm trying to get him to ask the attendant for help. He is yelling at me. With us delaying the entire ride, everyone else is already seated. An attendant comes to see what the holdup is. Humiliation. I'm told I'll have to move further back to a bigger belt. This means of course the people sitting there need to be moved. All the while being in the very first seat makes this whole thing completely visible to everyone on the coaster, those waiting for the coaster, and all those viewing the ride. Humiliation. I get up and move, all the while Myles getting at me. The other people looking at me like I'm a freak. I get in the seat and the belt fits. Then the attendant tries to push down the shoulder restraint. It won't latch. He pushes and pushes. I've so much padding on my ass that I'm too high for it to latch. I slouch a whole bunch and finally it clicks. Good thing I don't have a traditional ICD. It would have been dented. Then the third restraint is pulled towards me. Will it go? This is the one I was worried about with my S-ICD; but it clicks. And away we go. Over ten minutes of humiliation, that seemed a life time, for a 30 second ride. That finished the day for me.
Having all that happen would have been bad enough. But to have Myles yelling at me for it. To have both kids witness it. I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. Forget the accomplishment of it being my second rebirth day and I'd successfully ridden the Mindbender. I remain humiliated.
Take my illness for example. I'm embarrassed that I died, that I caused this to happen o my family, even though it was completely out of my control. So I got a brain injury, it's not my fault why be embarrassed. My son is autistic, it's not my fault or his fault so why be embarrassed?
But: my weight absolutely completely my fault, yet it never bothered me. For 25 years it didn't bother me. How did it not? Then this month, humiliation after humiliation regarding my weight just made it hurt so deeply; it is my fault, I am humiliated. I'm embarrassed. And worse yet I'm ashamed.
I've slowly lost my strength and endurance. Not because of my heart, but because I don't. Just because I don't. Horribly humiliating.
Visiting Calaway earlier this month and Austin wanted me to go on a ride with him. Imagine his disappointment when I couldn't get the safety gate on the ride to close. My humiliation having to delay the ride when I had to get off and leave the area.
Then the clothes shopping. I'm now one of those old obese mumu wearing ladies as I can't find any clothes to wear. Nothing local. I've looked. Ordering online to have to return as it doesn't fit. I haven't had a pair of pants fit me in months. Humiliating. I love the water. I feel better in the water. But I haven't been able to go because I don't have a suit that fits. I've looked everywhere in town. Tried on suits. Ordered not one, but four suits online and still don't have a good fit. Humiliating.
That same trip to Calgary we stopped at Cross Iron mills and I went to the closest thing to a plus size store there. I was rushed and asked the sales lady for help. Her contempt for me was palatable. She waved her hand in a general direction and said it's all color coded. I go look, can't find what I want. I ask again for help, she shows me a rack and leaves. Eventually she comes back carrying a size 16 black Capri. She says with a sneer on her face, you'll have to try and squeeze into this. Just WTH? Humiliation. So many ways she could have handled it differently. Telling me initially that their largest size was a 16, would have been awesome. But no she derived pleasure from my humiliation.
Going to WEM Galaxyland in order to celebrate Austin's birthday as a family. I'm already stressed about my heat, my S-ICD, Alexis heart, then the added worry about weight restrictions, size restrictions I was tense. I never fully relaxed the whole day. On more than one ride I wondered if I'd ever get my fat ass unstuck. But then the last ride of the day. The big one. The Mindbender Rollercoaster. Turns out cutoff for the cars before us was right at us. I'd get a front row seat. awesome. I walked to the very front of that roller coaster and sat in the seat, and realized immediately I'd have issues. The belt across my waist went to one hip, certainly not across my tummy, and my other hip. OMG then Myles is standing at the car yelling at me. In front of everyone else. I'm at the very front remember. He wanted me to hurry up and get in. I'm trying to get him to ask the attendant for help. He is yelling at me. With us delaying the entire ride, everyone else is already seated. An attendant comes to see what the holdup is. Humiliation. I'm told I'll have to move further back to a bigger belt. This means of course the people sitting there need to be moved. All the while being in the very first seat makes this whole thing completely visible to everyone on the coaster, those waiting for the coaster, and all those viewing the ride. Humiliation. I get up and move, all the while Myles getting at me. The other people looking at me like I'm a freak. I get in the seat and the belt fits. Then the attendant tries to push down the shoulder restraint. It won't latch. He pushes and pushes. I've so much padding on my ass that I'm too high for it to latch. I slouch a whole bunch and finally it clicks. Good thing I don't have a traditional ICD. It would have been dented. Then the third restraint is pulled towards me. Will it go? This is the one I was worried about with my S-ICD; but it clicks. And away we go. Over ten minutes of humiliation, that seemed a life time, for a 30 second ride. That finished the day for me.
Having all that happen would have been bad enough. But to have Myles yelling at me for it. To have both kids witness it. I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. Forget the accomplishment of it being my second rebirth day and I'd successfully ridden the Mindbender. I remain humiliated.
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