Mother

Being a mother is not something that I dreamt about, or yearned to be. I never gave it a thought growing up. It wasn't something that was forefront in my mind when people asked me what I wanted when I grew up. It just wasn't a thought. Then for years I was busy with life, with school, with my career. We never used protection, and went over ten years never getting pregnant. It was something that if it happened ok, and if it didn't ok. Then I turned 30, was finished school, and something in my heart opened up and I wanted to be a mother. I wanted to be pregnant. I guess the clock was ticking. We went through many doctor visits, appointments, exams, the works, and was told that short of real intervention that I wouldn't be getting pregnant on my own. That was in June of 1999. My heart shattered a little bit that day. We talked about it and took the stance that we had gone that long without kids, that we could go without kids. I just start getting used to that idea and I go to my doctor feeling ill. She listens and tells me it sounds like you are pregnant. UMMMM NO. You told me I couldn't. Well I was and I had conceived in October 1999. SO my precious pregnancy that wasn't to be, was, and I enjoyed it so much. The thought of the delivery scared me, but in no way prepared me for almost dieing and almost losing my little one. After the scare we had we both thought no more. Especially with the little one that NEVER slept. Well in October 2002 I once again conceived. Through birth control, through being careful, through having a long distance relationship. Should not have occured but it did. My precious little miracle baby. I loved being pregnant, feeling the movements, knowing that life was inside me. Totally loved it. The delivery scared the crap out of me, but it was fast and unexpected to deliver in the bare hands of the nurse.
Now being a mother isn't quite what I thought it would be. It is a journey that I learn more about every single day. I love my kids, totally utterly hopelessly in love with them. They are mine and I love them.

Comments

Nancyroo said…
love these journals, getting to know more about you! I am really going to start mine. Now.
6:00 AM
Broken Beth said…
Awwwww Oscar :....)
10:37 AM
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