She Should be Happy but shes NOT

I hate life.

Life sucks, it is not fair, I hate it. Those are harsh things to say but they are true. So very very true. Especially for me. No matter what I try to do, nothing turns out the way I anticipate. Am I stupid? I don't think so. Maybe I am just naive. Could be? Maybe I just do not think and feel the way other people do. Maybe I am just an exception to the human race. I have a wonderful daughter, a cute son, a husband that when he is home and sober is awesome, a cool car, a professional career. What more is there? You ask? Well I would like to have a single second out of each and every day where I do not feel pain. Is that too much to ask? I would like to be able to smile and feel it in my heart. Is that too much to ask? I would like the sun to shine and actully feel the warmth of it ease the pain of my soul. Is that too much to ask? A time when I did not have to worry? Worry about what you say? Well I worry about our finances, I worry about the state the world is in, I worry that I am a horrible mother, I worry that my body will just give out on me one day and then what would happen to my kids, I worry about people spying on me. I worry about the open lawsuit that I am involved in. I was horribly hurt and face disabilities for the rest of my life because of it. However I would have been in a better financial position to just walk away. Justice does not exist. A guy got to pay a $35 dollare fine for destroying my life. Great. I worry that my mind will just implode one day and no longer be able to fuction. I worry. How and why am I ever going to find the strength to go on in a life that I hate. How, where will that strenght come from?

Comments

Christy said…
I love this Oscar! I am so glad you jumped in the loop. I will be checkin again!

ck
2:51 PM
Kristin K Stock said…
HELLO Oscar......glad you are here with us in Blog world..Kristin
4:42 PM
~Denise said…
Oh Oscar... I so wish that I could help you. Please know that you are in my prayers. {{{HUGS}}}
6:02 PM
Nancyroo said…
i think we all feel like this some days, Oscar. Sounds like you need a vacation. Even if it's just for a weekend away. Let DH take care of the kids for a few days and relax.
6:58 AM
Teri said…
Hi Oscar

Let me quote what Bertrand Russell~British philosopher~ said about life....
"Life is nothing but a competition to be the criminal rather than the victim."
So don't be a victim of your life. Good luck
2:28 PM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

April 19 is a rough day

Image
20 years ago today I miscarried a baby. I can imagine myself with a 20 year old running around. Maybe even a grandma, that is a rough thought. For years when I could not conceive I wondered if I was being punished for miscarrying my first. I was young, got pregnant in college, and was sick all the time. I had morning sickness 24 hours a day every single day, I lost a lot of weight. I was alone and I was scared. I went to bed one night feeling very ill, I woke up two days later in the hospital. I had hemarraged and been uncousious, and almost died. I miscarried in my fifth month. When I missed college some friends tried to reach me and couldn't so called my ex and he had the landlord let him in. It saved my life. I have always felt so guilty that I was just that little bit relieved that it had happened. I was so young, and on my own, and did not want a child raised the way that I had been raised. Feelings just all over the place. It hit me like a ton of bricks again w...
Read more

Thoughtful Thursday

Alberta headlines an announcement that there are 3,500 new positions for childcare in Alberta in 51 different communities. So I read the report. Which can be found here....http://www.child.alberta.ca/home/587.cfm . It comes down to 3,489 positions at the cost of $4,853,940.00 that comes out to $1,391.21 per position. Makes me wonder. Red Deer my community gets 68 positions at two differernt centres and $102,000, which works out to 1,500.00 per position. I just do not get it. I am pulled aside at daycare yesterday where my 4 year old DS attends full time. The owner of the centre tells me that C has left, that the other C is being moved to a new room, and that a brand new C, and J are going to start, and lead will be held by N who has been there two weeks. The daycare owner tells me she doesn't know why but she cannot keep staff in that room. I pay $775.00 a month for him to attend daycare, I pay $255.00 a month for my daughter to attend after school care from 3-6 on school days. ...
Read more

Well I made it and I survived it

Image
I am finally 40. Entering the prime of my life. I think it is all how you look at things. So if I look positive it will be postitive. This is the decade that is going to be about me. I had an adult decade on education, I had an adult decade on family, now I want one on me. Thanks Jenni for calling last night, I miss you and you are welcome to come back to Alberta and visit any time. I got the cutest birday card from Poncho with her original photography on it of a koala, I love it. I feel spoiled and loved and it is nice to feel that way. I got a cake sent to me at work yesterday, a balloon arrangement with a teddy bear and chocolates and some basic grey paper. A bunch of girls from SJ went together and organized it all. I feel so honoured to be counted as one of their friends. I got to talk to geminigirl (Carrie) yesterday as well, she is one of the sweetest people I know. Thanks for calling.
Read more