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April 19 is a rough day
20 years ago today I miscarried a baby. I can imagine myself with a 20 year old running around. Maybe even a grandma, that is a rough thought. For years when I could not conceive I wondered if I was being punished for miscarrying my first. I was young, got pregnant in college, and was sick all the time. I had morning sickness 24 hours a day every single day, I lost a lot of weight. I was alone and I was scared. I went to bed one night feeling very ill, I woke up two days later in the hospital. I had hemarraged and been uncousious, and almost died. I miscarried in my fifth month. When I missed college some friends tried to reach me and couldn't so called my ex and he had the landlord let him in. It saved my life. I have always felt so guilty that I was just that little bit relieved that it had happened. I was so young, and on my own, and did not want a child raised the way that I had been raised. Feelings just all over the place. It hit me like a ton of bricks again w...
I had the crap scared out of me last night
This is not for the faint of heart. I am cuddled in bed sleeping. I hear a sound. But you know you are not sure if you really heard it or if you dreamed it kind of sound. Then I wonder if one of the kids is up. So I am laying there wondering. Then I feel a real real cold draft hit me. Now it is winter up here, so cold drafts are cold drafts, meaning some air from outside is coming inside. Even with my bedroom door closed I could really feel it. I am still half asleep probably. You know that area between thinking clearly and not thinking clearly. Well the thought crossed my mind that maybe one of the kids was sleepwalking and left the door open. Not a good thought. So I roll over in bed to face the outside edge. That is the side of the room that the window is on. WIth the little bit of light in the room I could see the curtains billowing like they were caught in a breeze. Now my heart is pounding. I know the window was not open and the curtains should not be moving. I a...
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